Our One Year Anniversary

We were married in March; our kids were born in April and December, but today is one of our family’s most important anniversaries.  One year ago today we brought home our foster baby.

Our story of foster care

I’m not allowed to post pictures of our baby to the blog. These photos seem empty without him.

Like most everything else in life, this journey hasn’t gone the way I thought it would.  I hoped we would one day adopt after providing a home to three year old for a couple of months and a sibling set for several weeks and there would be a heartbreaking good-bye after we kept a toddler for eight or nine months.  These were the stories I heard.  Ours is different.

Our licensed was signed on August 12, we got Baby on the 13th.  He was just shy of five months old.  I’m not allowed to tell you his story, so I’ll try to stick with telling you mine.  My heart was lost within the first week.

Every month, every milestone was a new reason to love him a little more.  Every sleepless night, every trip to the doctor was emotion invested in him.

I did everything I could to support his birth mom.  I bought picture frames for his 6, 9, and 12 month photos, I got her a Christmas present from Baby of practical items the worker said she needed for her new apartment, I held his first birthday party at a neutral location so she could come.  I encouraged her when we met for visits and calmed her during team meetings.

But please forgive me when I say that the more her life spun out of control, the more inexplicably intertwined my heart became with his.

Our story of foster care

Today when people ask I say I have three kids and leave it at that.  I long ago dropped the explanation that the youngest was a foster child and my older two readily accept strangers calling him their baby brother.  I tell myself it’s not their business anyway.

It is sheer terror waiting for a judge to decree what I feel in my soul.  Right now, my child doesn’t belong to me.

Still, I stick with what I said in February.  He is worth it.  Whatever happens tomorrow, my fingerprints are all over this child.  At his age he may not remember me in another year, but the first three years are the most formative and one of those will have been shaped and held and loved by me.  I choose to believe that matters.

And I know for certain that for one whole year he has been changing me.

Categories: Family | 11 Comments

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11 thoughts on “Our One Year Anniversary

  1. Pingback: Life On the Web - August 15, 2014 - Lutherans For Life

  2. Pingback: Life On the Web – August 15, 2014 – Lutherans for Life

  3. Robyn

    Our baby is 17 months old… I brought her home at 5 days old from the NICU…. she was only supposed to be with us for a couple of weeks. She is now an important member of our family and the spunky “little sister” to our older 3 kids. I started blogging pictures of all 4 (keeping her in pictures, but anonymous) because it felt so weird not to include her. We now sit on the bubble waiting to find out if we will get the opportunity to adopt her… I understand that terror.

  4. Anne

    I bookmarked your blog months ago after seeing a post shared on Facebook. As I sit here tonight, needing to go to bed, but putting it off for a few more minutes of quiet house to myself, I scrolled through my favorites and chose to read this post. Thank you. I have tears streaming down my face. We are foster parents. We currently have a biological daughter and 3 fosters, one of which is our “Baby” who came to us at 6 weeks old. His 1st birthday is today. We go to court Tuesday and I have no idea what is going to happen. I love how you put it… “It is sheer terror waiting for a judge to decree what I feel in my soul. Right now, my child doesn’t belong to me.” He is our baby in our hearts but he isn’t ours. This is a pain that is inexplicable. I couldn’t hold,him, watch him or play with him enough today. We never meant to foster and it wasn’t our intention to adopt, God had other plans. I know He holds this baby and his future as well, but it doesn’t make the waiting, wondering and hoping any easier. I pray that your Baby will be a part of your family soon and we can see his picture. For all foster parents, the pain is real but so are the kids and their needs. They bless us more than we do them, I only hope that we leave some positive mark that will help those that leave in the future.

  5. Martha

    We have been foster parents for almost 19 years. You write beautifully what I feel in my heart, that it is ALL worth it! We’ve adopted 4 children and are in the process of adopting 2 more. We’ve had many children go through our home and just have to trust Gods plans for us and them. It makes a difference!

  6. You have left fingerprints all over this little guy and he is blessed because of you all. As a therapist I see parents everyday that their lives are spinning out of control, the kids suffer, and they still aren’t given to a good home like yours. But once in a while there is a happy ending and I pray that for you. Keep being strong and doing the next right thing 🙂

  7. John

    We also did foster care for several years and had 37 thru our home in 3 years two of which we adopted we have a total of 7 kids we can only hope that we helped in some way . Tonight we parted ways with with a girl we took guardianship of 6 months ago a lost soul going from one home to the next since she was 12 she went back to her dad’s cause she did not care for our rules …. It tears at your heart but we can only hope we were a stepping stone to positive things in the future .it takes special people to foster and the good foster homes are difficult to find.

  8. Praying for you and your sweet baby boy! We are foster parents to a 20 month old and 15 month old, and will be approaching the one year mark next month. We don’t know where our cases are headed either, we just trust in the Lord.

  9. Oh Sob. You are a good Mama. Hard to believe it has been a year already. Praying for all.

  10. This is a beautiful, yet painful truth. I do hope everything works out for the best for you and Baby. Its hard to see people (of any age) taken in or out of our lives so suddenly. It’s easy to question the why’s and how’s or what we could have done better, but what’s really important is the effort you put into this little one’s life: every second spent, every dime used makes an impact no matter how much or how little. And even more so, as you pointed out, it not only makes an impact on Baby but it made an impact on you. It’s amazing that something so small can impact our lives so much and change the way we do/see things. Every life is precious, no matter how small and though we may not see the proof of the seeds we’ve sown or the impact of our labor, It does really matter. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

  11. Sherrie Roderick

    I am praying for you. I have been just were you are. My situation was only different by our age. ( I am 51 years young.) After 5 years, we are adopted. Your situation might not take so long, I hope not. Just trust that the Lord wants the best for Baby.

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